If you grow up feeling that you will succeed in anything you set your hearts into and then realize at present that you are not where you expect to be, you will feel like a failure.

It is normal and people usually go through this stage but then for individual like me where I was always hard on myself, this is a big failure on my part. I tend to drown on my sorrow, unable to face the reality that I had failed.

Being in the lowest point of my life where I don't see the light and what I see in front of me is the edge of the cliff where the last stage is committing suicide. In this point, I am scared of making a move or decision that I believe will push me right through that cliff. So I will either asked for help or I will try to avoid the real world.

I avoid facing the world and withdraw myself from the reality. I don't want to ask for help. I know they will not understand and they cannot help. Going through this phase had been rough on my body, I didn't take proper care of myself. I will sleep 3-4 hours which really didn't help in clearing my muddled head.

In my mind, I know I'm wasting time. I want the time to stop for a while. It feels like I will be stuck in this phase and I will be left behind. I was scared and still I didn't move. This goes for months and then I received a message from a friend asking if I was okay. That simple message woke me up slightly and so after a few days I realize that my mind is not clear enough to think, if I want to get out of this I need to be clear headed. I decided that I will first need to sleep enough to clear my head. The process had been rough. There where quite a failed night but at long last after 2-3 weeks going through this process, i managed to be clear headed enough to talked to friends what I'm going through.

Posted by frozen_eyes on April 7, 2018 at 02:56 PM | cheers!

I don't know if all the people in the world experience having a phase in their lives where they are thinking of committing suicide. Like seriously committing suicide.

When I was young around 12-14 years old, I was pretty much living in my own world. I was like a housemate in our home so basically I felt so alone and I didn't talk much. I was contemplating to take my life at that time but it is not that serious because I didn't like pain so I will just fantasize that I was adopted and my real family will arrive and take me.

Another period of my life when I intend to commit suicide was when I was having financial troubles. I was thinking back then that I don't want to be a burden to my family anymore so maybe this decision will be for the better. I was really planning of drinking some acid.. At that time, I was feeling so overwhelmed with negative emotions and feeling sorry for my parents. That night I was praying to God and saying that I'm so sorry for not being able to handle this situation. I remembered that I was thinking of doing it that night when all the people in the house are sleeping. But I slept and woke up feeling refreshed... all the burden, worries and negative emotion inside of me is just gone which is kind of weird but i accept it and felt blessed.

As for the present time, I'm okay now but I experienced the tunnel vision of suicide this past few months. It was a major breakdown for me. It was like all the frustrations, disappointments and unhappiness have been too much for me that I just stop... I stop living. I didn't have any motivations, likes, wants, goals, dreams. I literally feel that I don't want to move because what is the point. So what I did in my daily life for the past few months is to read light novel while laying in my bed. It was an effort for me to take a shower or eat. I really don't want to eat at that time but I don't want to worry my family so I keep up the front that I am okay. I didn't intend to commit suicide at that time but I know that that is the end for me. It feels at that time that what keeps me grounded and not making any serious move toward ending my life is the emotional attachment and guilt that I have with my family. Without that, I think I will not think twice of doing it.

Now that I was over that phase, I would like to rationalize the feeling of being in that kind of situation. I think for an individual to really commit to it, he/she was really overwhelmed with emotional pain that people around cannot be able to reach. In that circumstances, we feel alone... No matter how much we talk to others about our miseries or pain, we know deep inside that you will not get it! We are just different creature than you, we feel more sensitive and are easily overwhelmed by things that are happening around us.

Posted by frozen_eyes on April 2, 2018 at 05:36 PM | cheers!

these past few days have been hectic. i got home very tired and all i want to do is relax. but it's kinda enjoyable especially since i'm now understanding what i'm doing.

yesterday i'm kindly half-pissed off and amazed. i didn't expect there's a filipino who is not good in working or are lazy in working. i thought all are good and efficient. guess i was wrong.

i have a really handsome colleague. he had been in the company months ago. i know he's handsome but i don't pay attention to him that much. then 2 days ago, a whispering in my mind. so now i'm noticing him. i'm not sure if i'm starting to like him. and i also not sure if i want to like him.

Posted by frozen_eyes on August 30, 2013 at 08:30 PM | cheers!

... i'm not sure if i'm still in the depress stage... all i know is i can see now unlike before when i'm being overwhelmed by my emotions.

i don't like being sad... i want to be always happy... because i believe happiness is contagious and i want to be a good influence. i don't want to be a burden...

i'll try to get back up and live my life... love myself, do what i must do, trust God... have faith and enjoy living...

Posted by frozen_eyes on August 25, 2013 at 09:34 PM | cheers!
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